2. BUY it! · Book Review Actions · Book Reviews · Relationships

BR 138: His Needs Her Needs by William F Harley Jr

Category: 2 – BUY it! (All Categories are 1 – Read ASAP!, 2 – BUY it!, 3 – SHELF it, 4 – SOMEDAY it)

Comments: The only reason this book is not on the “Read ASAP” list is because it isn’t applicable to everyone. If you are married or due to get married soon, I’d suggest reading it. For best results, I’d suggest reading it with your partner.

My wife and I read this on our honeymoon and it’s served as a great way to start our journey as husband and wife. William F Harley completely “gets” marriages having been a successful counsellor for many decades. He does what great authors do – puts together a framework to help you think about what makes great marriages truly great. Fantastic book.

Top 3 Learnings

1. We all require our relationships to meet a collection of emotional needs. Some are much more important than others and men and women typically give importance to diametrically opposite needs. For example, top needs for women are affection, honesty and openness, intimate conversation, and financial support while top needs for men are sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship, physical attractiveness, etc.

2. Great marriages thrive when the needs of the spouse are consciously or unconsciously identified and met. When not met, the disgruntled spouse typically resorts to an affair which meets the need.

3. It’s okay to be “obvious” in trying to meet your partner’s needs. In fact, the obviousness works very well. For example, in the chapter on affection, we saw an example of “affection habits” that a wife wanted in her husband. So, the husband literally put together a list and began working on it every day till it became sub conscious. We are testing it out too and it seems to work really well.

Overall, superb book. We’re very glad we read it and we’re looking forward to “living” it.

Add on Mar 16, 2016: We did live the book. And, it has worked great for us. We still joke about some of the anecdotes from the book and talk about our needs (from the exercise in the book).

3. SHELF it · Book Review Actions · Book Reviews · Relationships

BR 137: Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage by Mark Gungor

Category: 3 – SHELF it (All Categories are 1 – Read ASAP!, 2 – BUY it!, 3 – SHELF it, 4 – SOMEDAY it)

Comments: I read this book for 2 reasons – because I’m getting married and because I loved Gungor’s famous YouTube video on men’s and women’s brains. The book was okay – very good in parts and pretty okay for the most part.

Gungor is occasionally scientific and structured but for the most part it centers around his observations as a pastor. I also think it didn’t help that he wrote this for Christians. There were way too many bible, Jesus references for a non Christian.

Top 3 Learnings:

1. Boxed in (watch Mark Gungor’s famous nothing box video on YouTube for this section). Men’s brains are like boxes – they are dealt with one at a time and DO NOT TOUCH. And a man’s favorite box is the nothing box… Given a choice, we love the nothing box and hence, love staring into the ceiling.

This is contrast to a woman’s brain which is like a bunch of wires and is typically thinking of many things at once.

2. Communication. When men communicate, they say what they mean and mean what they say. Women, on the other hand, are masters of nuance. Words are just one part of communication. So, in a women case, what is said matters less than how it is said.
The way to get past this is to implement the Covey principle of understanding – seek to understand before seeking to be understood.

3. What men want: Respect – unconditional respect. Men don’t want to earn respect on performance. They want it because of who they are. They don’t want criticism or women to change them – they want to be loved as they are. But just because men aren’t resistant to improvement doesn’t mean they can’t be improved, a women’s effect on a man’s maturity, cleanliness, etc is always massive. Strong women make a huge difference to a man’s life. A touch of fear of the wife has also found to be good in strong marriages. :-)

What women want – women want to be picked. They want to know that you would choose them above all else – your tv show, your outing with the lads, etc. the more you

Book notes

2. BUY it! · Book Review Actions · Book Reviews · Psychology · Relationships · Self Improvement

BR 42: How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie

Category: 2 – BUY it! (All Categories are 1 – Read ASAP!, 2 – BUY it!, 3 – SHELF it, 4 – SOMEDAY it)

Comments: I can hear all the anti-self help/self improvement activists scream right now. And before I give my comments, let me give you a warning – this book is very preachy. It is also true that this book doesn’t delve into the human psyche like the ‘7 Habits of highly effective people’, for example, among other books. This book is purely focused on the personality side of things and yes, you can ‘fake’ all those ideas in the book and yet, they might just work.

Having said that, this book offers a starting point for those who have difficulty connecting with people. And if that is not enough, the book makes it easier for us (thanks to many many stories) to understand why people are the way they are. And as a result, we are then empowered to use all the ideas and traits mentioned in the book in our day-to-day life.

And, while it can be argued that anyone can adopt most of the principles by ‘pretending’ or ‘faking’ it, I doubt anyone can do so without being found out in due time. If you care, it shows.

My view was simple – if we can even fully understand and implement principles that are consistent with our styles, we would likely be more successful socially and professionally than we are now. Principles vary from ‘Never criticize’ to ‘Compliment people’ among many others. Simple in theory, difficult in action.

If you haven’t read it, I’d still recommend buying it and read it. And if you still don’t like it, that’s still fine. I believe you will be richer by this experience. At the very least, just make sure you read the ‘Father Forgets’ letter twice. :)

Add on Mar 16, 2016: I think I’ve become less and less a fan of the book over time. However, I still think it is worth reading it to understand what the fuss is about. I definitely learnt a thing or two from the book. And, as a psychology oriented book, it was definitely well ahead of its time.

3. SHELF it · Book Review Actions · Book Reviews · Relationships · Self Improvement

BR 35: Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

Category: 3 – SHELF it (All Categories are 1 – Read ASAP!, 2 – BUY it!, 3 – SHELF it, 4 – SOMEDAY it)

Comments: I didn’t find the audio so appealing. Maybe you’ll have better luck with the paperback. It had many stories/experiences of people who learnt the hard way that saying ‘No’ is a must for the sake of their own happiness. Good book in principle as I remember it having the right concepts. But, I didn’t find it very memorable.

2. BUY it! · Book Reviews · Career · Psychology · Relationships · Self Improvement · Skills

BR 34: Never Eat Alone by Keith Ferrazzi

Category: 2- BUY It! (All Categories are 1) Read ASAP! 2) BUY it! 3) SHELF it 4) SOMEDAY it)

Comments: Very very very good book. It clarifies that networking is really caring more than a next person, and that it can go a long way in taking you far in life!

What to expect: The story of a person who made it big thanks (in big part) to fantastic networking ability honed with time. It was an eye opener for me as it clarified what networking really is – making an effort to reach out, connect and care. And most importantly, it made me realize that keeping in touch is, and requires, hard work!!

Do I recommend this book?: Very good book. Almost a great one – not so much on the story line but very high on learnings and impact! :)

Add on Mar 16, 2016: This was one of the first business books I read. Definitely impacted me very positively!

2. BUY it! · Book Review Actions · Book Reviews · Psychology · Relationships · Self Improvement

BR 13: Difficult Conversations by Douglas Stone

Category: 2 – BUY it! (All Categories are 1 – Read ASAP!, 2 – BUY it!, 3 – SHELF it, 4 – SOMEDAY it)

Comments: It’s  funny I rate this so high because I recall this book having a rather boring narrator. That definitely says a LOT about it’s impact! In simple words, the book does 2 things – emphasize the importance of having those ‘difficult conversations’ and avoid sweeping things under the target in all relationships that matter to us hoping that things will turn out okay. Secondly, it talks about the importance of differentiating between facts and feelings when presenting issues.

What to expect: Lots of example incidents that provide for great learning. And lots of ideas on how to approach ‘that‘ difficult conversation.

Add on Mar 16 2016: I don’t remember much from the book except that it reinforced the importance of having difficult conversations. It is an idea I’ve tried to stay true to.

1. Read ASAP! · Book Review Actions · Book Reviews · Philosophy · Relationships

BR 3: Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom

Category: 1 – Read ASAP! (All Categories are 1 – Read ASAP!, 2 – BUY it!, 3 – SHELF it, 4 – SOMEDAY it)

Comments: This books needs no review but just in case you haven’t read it, I hope you do. If you are a movie person, Oprah Winfrey’s done us a great favor by making a lovely 100 minute odd movie out of it as well! The link to the first part of 11 is here. I’ve watched the movie 5 times till date and would not hesitate watching it again soon..

What to expect: A reflective and philosophical journey. The story is a real life tale of a student who has built a career as a successful journalist and all of a sudden sees his old university Professor, his first real mentor and inspiration, on TV being interviewed as he’s fighting a deadly disease. Morrie Schwartz, his professor, on the other hand is on a mission to make the most of what remains of his life and after much deliberation thanks to not having kept in touch for 16 years, Mitch decides to go down and meet his Professor. And it’s then that Morrie teaches his last lesson, a lesson in life..