Category: Self Improvement

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BR 317: The Courage To Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga

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Comments: I found the book to be revelatory. In retrospect, it is because it unified ideas that have resonated strongly with me under one roof. Adler’s approach is at the heart of the many powerful ideas that have changed my life and that I’ve shared on this blog over the years.

Insights that resonated:

(1) The overarching theme in Alfred Adler’s approach is that “life is simple.” By this, his philosophy asserts that freedom, happiness, and meaning are all within reach. We don’t need to over complicate this. Our problems are not one of ability but of courage.

(2) You have the means to choose your life path. You’re not controlled by your past, trauma, or environment — only by the meaning you assign to them. You are free to choose goals that help you go where you want to go.

(3) All problems are interpersonal problems – use problems as a trigger for growth. Most of our issues — anxiety, anger, insecurity — come from how we relate to others. We typically react by over-compensating for what we think we lack with bouts of inferiority or superiority. Use such moments as a trigger to strive for learning and growth.

(4) Freedom arrives when we summon the courage to be disliked. You must be willing to live by your values, even if others don’t like it.

(5) Cultivate “horizontal relationships” and embrace “separation of tasks.” Vertical relationships assume someone is in a position of relative authority or power. They typically involve attempts to control the other person.

Horizontal relationships involve mutual respect and a focus on controlling ourselves – including accepting our normal self. Horizontal relationships thrive on a “separation of tasks” – where we do what’s in our control and empower others to do what’s in their control. We can lead a horse to water but cannot make it drink.

(6) Happiness comes from contribution. Not from being praised or special, but from feeling useful to others and connected – this is described as community feeling or “Gemeinschaftsgefühl“.

(7) We keep life simple by keeping a bright spotlight on the present. When we’re on stage and see a bright spotlight, we can’t see much else. If we have dim lights on the other hand, we will be able to look beyond what’s around us and attempt to see our past and present.

2. BUY it! · Book Review Actions · Book Reviews · Novel Concepts and Interesting Research · Psychology · Relationships · Self Improvement

BR 315: Supercommunicators by Charles Duhigg

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Comments: Solid book with a nice combination of stories and research about great communication.

Insights that resonated: 

(1) What kind of conversation are we in: Does the other person want to be helped, hugged, or heard?

(2) Effective communication often comes down to our ability to match the mood and energy of the person we’re communicating with. 

(3) The most powerful thing we can do to show that we are seeking to understand and not to be understood in a tense conversation is to: (a) take the time to wait for the person to finish, (b) then play back what we understood and, (c) check if what we understood was what they were trying to say.

(4) “While there are many factors that determine if a romantic relationship succeeds or flounders, one key factor is whether makes the people in it feel more in control of their happiness or less in control of their happiness.”

In detailed examinations of conversations among unhappy couples, researchers found that the partners tended to focus on trying to control the other person. For example, they might say “don’t go there” or “don’t use your voice against me” or “you always do this all that.”

Happy couples instead focused either on controlling themselves or the environment. For example, they’d talk slower and make sure that they kept that cool. The key with happy couples was focusing on things that they could control together and ensuring that they kept an argument as small as possible, instead of letting it expand into other areas and throwing “the kitchen sink” at each other.

(5) Social identities have a noticeable impact in our behavior. For example, without any intervention, studies with graduate level students found that women consistently performed consistently worse than men in math tests. That’s because, by default, they were aware of a stereotype that women are worse at math than men.

However, in tests where these women were reminded of other identities, e.g. that of a puzzle-solver or a successful sportsperson, the performance differences disappeared.

These identities matter a ton in communication because conflicts escalate when they move from being about the topic to being perceived as threatening the person’s identity.

That’s where motivational interviewing comes in. With tricky issues, motivational interviewing focuses on asking questions to help a person understand both sides of an issue and why they might be for against it.

The goal isn’t to persuade – it is to simply understand both sides of the issues and reinforce that there are other identities they could choose. He made the point with fascinating examples involving polarizing issues such as gun rights and vaccines.

(5) From 7 decades of data from the famous Grant study, the people who were most satisfied in the relationships at age 50 were the healthiest and happiest at age 80. One researcher put it bluntly – “The most defining factor for happiness and satisfaction of life is love, not romantic love, but the love and connection with our friends, family, coworkers and their community.”

1. Read ASAP! · Book Review Actions · Book Reviews · Health · Self Improvement

BR 313: Built to Move by Kelly Starrett and Juliet Starrett

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Comments: Built to Move by Kelly and Juliet Starrett is built on a simple thesis – our body is built to move and the quality of our lives are dependent on making sure we’re allowing our body to do what it does best – move. They focus on 10 habits based on 10 vital signs –

  1. Getting up and down off the floor
  2. Breathe easy
  3. Extend your hips
  4. Walk
  5. Future-proof your neck and shoulders
  6. Eat healthy
  7. Squat
  8. Find your Balance
  9. Create a movement-rich environment
  10. Sleep

Each chapter has an assessment and a physical practice. And the book has had a life changing impact in the sense that I’ve adopted those physical practices as part of my week.

Insights that resonated:

(1) Don’t ice injuries. Ice makes it worse. More here

(2) There’s a great argument that our brains exist to help us move. More here with the story of the sea squirt.

(3) Changes I’ve made in my life

First, I’ve added 10-12 minutes to my morning workout routine to focus on the exercises laid out in the book. Specifically,

  • Mondays: Floor exercises – Sit and rise, various floor sitting stretches
  • Tuesdays: Hamstrings – mobilization, lockout, hip openers
  • Wednesday: Hips – extension, isometric, split squat
  • Thursday: Neck + shoulders (and some balance) – Airport scanner, rotations, wall hang

These workouts are all described in the book. While I carry the list with me on my phone, I keep the book near my workout mat so I can use it like a mobility manual of sorts.

Second, I’ve adopted a few of the small tweaks from the book – e.g., eating while sitting on the floor, balancing on one leg while I brush, and so on. These are easy and fun.

Third, a key part of building a movement rich environment is not sitting for more than 6 hours per day. I was definitely exceeding this regularly. Since the start of the year, I’ve made changes to ensure this happens – including defaulting to a standing desk and standing during meetings.

Fourth, thanks to both Built to Move and Good Energy, I’ve increased how much I walk and have lifted my daily average to 10,000+ per day. This has meant making tweaks too – e.g., parking 1000 steps away from the building where I work.

My final reflection – my lifestyle has changed dramatically in the past 15 months or so. It started with some significant changes after reading Peter Attia’s Outlive, accelerated significantly with Casey Means’ Good Energy, and then leveled up further with the Starrett’s Built to Move. These 3 books combined have changed my life.

In retrospect, I think “Good Energy” and “Built to Move” are the 101 books that I can’t recommend enough to anyone interested in these topics. They lay out the basics and lay out the path for a significantly healthier lifestyle. “Outlive” is the 201 book once you’ve made those changes.

Either way, I’m grateful to these authors for creating these books – they really are the user manual for my body that I didn’t know existed.

1. Read ASAP! · Book Review Actions · Book Reviews · Health · Novel Concepts and Interesting Research · Self Improvement

BR 300: Outlive by Peter Attia

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Comments: I love that this is book #300 on this blog. It is likely it’ll be among the most impactful books I’ve read in a long time. I saw a review for the book on Amazon that said – “This is a user manual for the body that should be given free at birth.” That may be the best description I’ve come across.

It is a must read.

Insights that resonated: It is hard to distill what I’ve taken away in a couple of paragraphs. The book is a tour de force. There’s very little that is hand wavy. For instance, his case for medicine 3.0 is logical. The combination of scientific method and randomized control trials have made it possible for us to live longer. But, living longer does not equate to a high quality of life. That requires us to take control of our health.

The logic here is simple. He asks an innocent question – what would you like to be able to when you are a centenarian? Would you like to be able to walk unassisted? What about climbing stairs? And what about picking up a child?

Every one of these can be quantified in terms of the fitness levels required when you’re 90. And assuming normal muscle and strength degeneration, you can work backward into the level of fitness you need to have at this time.

The book ends with a powerful end note about Dr. Attia’s own struggles with depression. All in all, it manages to be insightful, powerful, and inspiring.

While I’m still thinking through all the changes I need to make, I’ve been making a few changes already. The biggest area is around freeing up time.

We’re working parents with two young kids who choose to not have any help at home. So, there isn’t much free time lying around. My first significant cut has been watching football/soccer and, perhaps more importantly, abstaining from catching up on news. This may not seem like much – but it is a big long-standing habit change for me. Timing matters – Manchester United’s sad start to the season has made it easier too.

The second is using the free time from a change like the one above to exercise longer every morning and evolve the mix of exercises. I’m still working through the changes here.

The third is around my diet. My ~2.5 years of intermittent fasting is coming to an end. Dr. Attia has made a compelling case for a protein shake and fruit breakfast. So that’s a big change too.

And, finally, I do intend to get to a collection of tests Dr. Attia recommends to get a sense of my risk factors.

I’ll be working on the insights from the book for a long time.

3. SHELF it · Book Review Actions · Book Reviews · Psychology · Self Improvement · Sports

BR 299: The Inner Game of Tennis by W Timothy Gallwey

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Comments: The premise of this book is understanding the mental side to peak performance from a former tennis coach. But it really is a book about our psychology and how we can learn to work with it to learn and coach.

It had an immediate impact on my attempts to teach my son. Long may this impact stay.

Insights that resonated: 

There are 3 core concepts in the book :

  • Self 1 vs. Self 2: Self 1 is our conscious, analytical mind that often gives instructions and critiques while Self 2 is the intuitive and, instinctive self-capable of executing tasks without conscious interference. The goal is to quiet the critical Self 1 to allow the more natural and skilled Self 2 to perform.
  • Non-Judgmental awareness and relaxed focus: Gallwey’s thesis is that our ability to harness Self 2’s incredible powers is by practicing non-judgmental awareness. This means observing our actions and performance without attaching harsh judgments or criticisms. This enables us to focus our attention on the task at hand and achieve a state of “relaxed concentration.”
  • Trust in the Body’s Abilities: Once we visualize what we want our body to do, our body will know how to do it. The key is to trust in its abilities and let it perform naturally.

One key theme in his anecdotes is about players who “over-coach” themselves. They talk too much to themselves instead of letting themselves just play. The body is an incredibly complex machine – any attempt to micromanage is laughable and counter-productive.

This resonated.

Growing up, I never trained in any sport as we moved homes often. When I was in my 8th grade, I finally got an opportunity to train in table tennis. I loved this and enjoyed training hard for the best part of two years.

I stopped training 2 years in – to focus on academics to go to a good college and because I was too late anyway – I still got the opportunity to participate in a few tournaments in high school during the ensuing years. And I almost always choked. When push came to shove, I seemed to find a way to lose games against players I’d normally be able to beat. Many of these players weren’t as good – but they were seasoned tournament players. And they always had me beat on the mental game.

That’s why Gallwey’s notes hit a nerve. It reminded me of the few times I played my absolute best – it was when I didn’t attempt to control every move.

I’ve been attempting to teach our 5 year old football/soccer recently. This book has changed how I approach it. Previously, I used to try to get him to kick or pass the ball with the right technique. And that would inevitably lead to “over-coaching.”

Instead, I’ve started asking him to simply look at the target and kick. And, in time, when the kicks are good, I ask him to simply remember the feeling and replicate it.

His kicks have gotten better much faster with this approach.

It makes sense. Our bodies are awe-inspiring machines. We often get the best results from giving it body some direction and getting out of the way.

1. Read ASAP! · Book Review Actions · Book Reviews · Psychology · Relationships · Self Improvement

BR 298: Excellent Advice for Living by Kevin Kelly

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Comments: I’ve loved Kevin Kelly’s birthday posts – pithy compilations of lessons he’s learned over the years. So I knew this book would be a treat. And it exceeded my high expectations. It is a wonderful compilation of 70 years of wisdom from a fascinating human being. I’m sure I’ll pick this book up from my shelf from time to time and I’ll be gifting it for years to come.

It also has made a profound impression on how I think about writing to have an impact. A great reminder of the power of brevity.

Insights that resonated: A choice few…

“To be rich, you don’t need to make more money; you chiefly need to better manage the money already flowing through your hands.”

“Measure your wealth not by the things you can buy but by the things that no money can buy.”

“Before you are old, attend as many funerals as you can bear, and listen. Nobody talks about the departed’s achievements. They only thing people will remember is what kind of person you where while you were achieving.“

“The big dirty secret is that everyone, especially, the famous, are just making it up as they go along.” 

“Things do not need to be perfect to be wonderful. Especially weddings.”

“To learn from your mistakes, first laugh at your mistakes.”

“Superheroes and saints never make art. Only imperfect beings can make art because art begins in what is broken.”

“Pros make as many mistakes as amateurs; they’ve just learned how to gracefully recover from their mistakes.”

“Being enthusiastic is worth 25 IQ points.”

“Generally, say less than necessary.” 

To build strong children, reinforce their sense of belonging to a family by articulating exactly what is distinctive about your family. They should be able to say with pride, “Our family does X.”

“Instead of asking your child what they learned today, ask them “who they helped today.”

“When you forgive others, they may not notice, but you will heal.

Forgiveness is not something we do for others; it is a gift to ourselves.”

“It is not hard to identify a thief. It is the one who believes everyone else steals.”

“Greatness is incompatible with optimizing in the short term. To achieve greatness requires a long view. Raise your time horizon to raise your goal.”

“Your best response to an insult is “You’re probably right.”

“If you can’t tell what you desperately need, it’s probably sleep.” 

“Forgiveness is accepting the apology you will never get.”

 “Don’t measure your success with someone else’s ruler.”

2. BUY it! · Book Review Actions · Book Reviews · Entrepreneurship · Leadership · Self Improvement

BR 258: Reboot by Jerry Colonna

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Comments: This isn’t a “how to” lead book. It is a “here’s what leading technology companies looks like” from the perspective of a CEO coach. This book will resonate a lot more with you if you have an interest in tech start-ups. For everyone else, it may be a category 3 (“shelf it” for later book). I still believe it is one of those that you have to include on your bookshelf because I believe the central premise of the book is important – better humans make better leaders.

Insights that resonated:

1. Better humans make better leaders.

2. Heartbreak is universal. True grit is not only having your heart broken – but it is also managing to keep that heart open despite the losses.

3. What if being lost is part of the path? What if we are supposed to tack across the surface of the lake, sailing into the wind instead of wishing it was only at our backs? What if feeling lost, directionless, and uncertain of the progress is an indicator of growth? What if it means you’re exactly where you need to be, on the pathless path?

4. I took a few writing courses in college. The extraordinary poet Marie Ponsot would talk about the crow sitting on your shoulder saying things like: “That sucks,” ”How could you write that?” and “Are you kidding me?”

Diminutive, chain-smoking Marie would jut her tobacco-stained finger into the air, punctuating every word: Shoot. The. Damn. Crow.

5. One day, the Tibetan teacher Milarepa left his cave to gather firewood. When he returned, he found that his cave had been taken over by demons. There were demons everywhere!

His first thought upon seeing them was, “I have got to get rid of them!” He lunges toward them, chasing after them, trying forcefully to get them out of his cave. But the demons are completely unfazed. In fact, the more he chases them, the more comfortable and settled-in they seem to be.

Realizing that his efforts to run them out have failed miserably, Milarepa opts for a new approach and decides to teach them the dharma. If chasing them out won’t work, then maybe hearing the teachings will change their minds and get them to go. So he takes his seat and begins teaching about existence and nonexistence, compassion and kindness, the nature of impermanence.

After a while he looks around and realizes all the demons are still there. They simply stare at him with their huge bulging eyes; not a single one is leaving.

At this point Milarepa lets out a deep breath of surrender, knowing now that these demons will not be manipulated into leaving and that maybe he has something to learn from them. He looks deeply into the eyes of each demon and bows, saying, “It looks like we’re going to be here together. I open myself to whatever you have to teach me.”

In that moment all the demons but one disappear. One huge and especially fierce demon, with flaring nostrils and dripping fangs, is still there.

So Milarepa lets go even further. Stepping over to the largest demon, he offers himself completely, holding nothing back. “Eat me if you wish.” He places his head in the demon’s mouth, and at that moment the largest demon bows low and dissolves into space.

When dealing with the toughest challenges – the kind that involves the demons inside of us – brute force turns out to be a blunt instrument. Acceptance, kindness, and a willingness to open our hearts and minds to the learning ahead of us enable us to make the progress we seek.

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BR 256: Upstream by Dan Heath

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Comments: I love books by the Heath brothers. While this didn’t quite hit the heights of a Decisive or Switch, it was still a good book that sought to focus energy on attempting to solve problems upstream vs. simply reacting to crises.

Insights that resonated:

1. “Every system is perfectly designed to get the results it gets.”

2. I loved this story from the beginning of the book.

“You and a friend are having a picnic by the side of a river. Suddenly you hear a shout from the direction of the water—a child is drowning. Without thinking, you both dive in, grab the child, and swim to shore.

Before you can recover, you hear another child cry for help. You and your friend jump back in the river to rescue her as well.

Then another struggling child drifts into sight. . . and another. . . and another.

The two of you can barely keep up.

Suddenly, you see your friend wading out of the water, seeming to leave you alone.

‘Where are you going?’ you demand.

Your friend answers, ‘I’m going upstream to tackle the guy who’s throwing all these kids in the water.’”

Other notes here.

2. BUY it! · Book Review Actions · Book Reviews · Career · Novel Concepts and Interesting Research · Self Improvement · Skills

BR 255: Range by David Epstein

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Comments: I think this book is an important read as it is an antidote to the “start early and specialize as quickly as possible” advice that is sometimes peddled. While it might appear that David Epstein is against the notion of deliberate practice and specialization, I didn’t take it as such. Instead, his push is for us to appreciate breadth and the meandering path we might take to figure out what we want to specialize in. He makes the case (repeatedly) that the meandering path gives us the range to make the specialization count.

Top 3 Lessons:

1. Breadth of experiences are both key and undervalued. So, take the time to choose where you’d like to focus.

2. Lean into what your experiences have given you. And, also remember to lean into the experiences you are presented with. The dots only connect backward.

3. There is no such thing as “falling behind.” Comparisons are useless too. You are on your own unique path – one that will be defined by the range of skills you develop.

2. BUY it! · Career · Leadership · Management · Self Improvement

BR 237: Great at Work by Morten Hansen

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Comments: Morten Hansen kicks this book off sharing that he thinks of this book as the work accompaniment of the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey (he also has 7 work principles). As someone who thinks of the 7 Habits as the best book I’ve read, this is a bold claim. But, and here’s the best part, his book lives up. I found it insightful, useful, and applicable. This book was part of my end-of-year reflection and will be a big part of my “get better” themes for 2019. And, it is a book I wish I had when I started my career.

First 3 principles:

  1. “Do less, then obsess.” In sharing the difference between the South pole expeditions of Robert Scott and Ronald Amundsen, Morten Hansen makes an interesting point on focus. Amundsen focused completely on one form of transportation – dogs – while Robert Scott struggled with five.
  2. “Redesign your work for value.” Cutting priorities isn’t enough. We need to obsess about value. Value = Benefits to others x effectiveness x efficiency.
  3. “Passion + Purpose.” Purpose is when you make valuable contributions to others or society that you find meaningful and doesn’t do harm. Purpose asks what can I contribute while passion asks the opposite. Match both.

Every principle resonated.